Pastor Al Paulauski, From Your Pal Al, Fair Haven Assembly of God Church

Pastor Al Paulauski

From Your Pal August 2005

Parenting with AWE
Part II

     "What's your dysfunction?" That's the question that we have been addressing over the past number of weeks on Sunday mornings. It's with this in mind that I would like to finish addressing a far too common dysfunction that I shared with you last month. It's a parenting dysfunction called "shame-based parenting."
     Last month in my article I started sharing with you an alternative to "shame-based parenting." It was called parenting with "AWE." While "shame-based parenting" focuses on performance and approval, parenting with "AWE" focuses on three key areas. "AWE" stands for affirmation, warmth, and encouragement. This month I want to lay out for you these three components and show you how you might start applying them to your parenting style.
     Expressing Affirmation: To parent your children with "AWE," you must first believe in your children. Most teenagers struggle with a poor or improper self-image. They constantly play the comparison game and see that someone is always smarter, prettier, and richer than they are. They need someone in their life who believes in them when they can't believe in themselves. Most often the difference between kids who make it and kids who don't is one caring adult. Next, experts say you must shower your children with praise. Mark Twain is known to have said, "I can live for two months on a good compliment." Abraham Masloow, the great Jewish thinker once said, "For every critical statement we make about another person, we must speak nine affirming statements to make up for it." Praise and affirmation are positive, motivating factors. Put-downs are deflating. Praise your children often, and praise their inner qualities as well as their outer ones. Finally, be available. A recent study on kids who are prone to drug and alcohol abuse showed that if a family has dinner together several nights a week, their children will be less likely to be involved in drug or alcohol abuse. You presence in their lives makes a difference.
     Creating Warmth: For your family to have a sense of "AWE," create a home environment of warmth and affection. If you have a child that isn't exactly the perfect example of love, affection, and devotion my suggestion to you would be to take "baby steps." Taking baby steps means that if you have 20 things to go over with your teenager when he or she gets home from school and most of the agenda deals with things your teenager should have done but didn't - wait. Instead, join your teenager in one of their favorite pastimes - hanging out. Take your child out for a bite to eat but DON"T BRING UP ANYTHING ON YOUR AGENDA; instead, spend your time listening to whatever your child wants to talk about. Ask no probing questions; make no accusations. Your child will be wondering what the real motive is but bite your tongue and don't give in. Now that you have taken some time to hang out with them, I suggest you ask your child when would be a good time to go over some responsibilities. You might just get a better reception.
     Giving Encouragement: When you encourage your children, you have the unique ability to make them feel special. "Parakaleo," the N.T. Greek word for "encourage" can also be translated "call to one's side," "strengthen," "instruct" and "teach." Exhortation is not just about positive reinforcement and encouragement, it is also about challenging your child to be all they were created to be by God. Your life and your words speak into their lives with comfort, counsel, affirmation, and challenge. To encourage your children you also will want to set realistic expectations for them. As I said earlier, many kids suffer from a very poor self-image. They play the comparison game and lose every single time. When it comes to brains, beauty, and bucks, our society isn't kind to this generation of young people. If we aren't careful, we as parents will reinforce the unrealistic cultural expectations that confront our children daily. What are your expectations for your child that
may not be appropriate? What expectations are acceptable, healthy, and worthy of your time and energy? Don't forget to set the bar for success for your kids. Every child isn't an "A" student, and not all will be the captain of the team or get the leading role in the play. However, every child needs to know that he or she is loved and believed in. Don't fight every battle - only the absolutely necessary ones - and remember that encouraging means coming alongside our children and helping them be all God created them to be.
     Once again I challenge you to step back and take a deep look at your parenting style. Is it one based on performance and approval or is it based on affirmation, warmth, and encouragement? My prayer for you as parents is that you will evaluate, pray, and then start implementing the necessary changes. We are all a work in progress - let God do his work in your life.