Pastor Al Paulauski, From Your Pal Al, Fair Haven Assembly of God Church

Pastor Al Paulauski

From Your Pal December 2005

Is That My Child?

How to get more than a grunt

     Have your parents ever told you how quiet you were as a teenager and it left you saying to yourself, "What planet were they on?" Because when you look back on your life as a teenager all you can remember are the hours upon hours you spent talking to your friends on the phone. Probably what your parents meant was that you didn't spend much time talking to them. Maybe because speaking to them never seemed to be that easy or interesting. Or maybe speaking to them just never seemed natural.
     Bill Beausay, in his book Teenage Boys, poses an interesting question for us parents to think about; "If we could ask our children to talk about talking, what would they tell us?" He offers four answers: First, talking is hard for our kids. They're not all that comfortable doing it and often won't risk it if they don't have to. Second, students feel parents sometime mistake them for someone who shares their interests and concerns about life. Third, students feel less pressure with adults who aren't their parents. Finally, students are willing to talk when they are ready - not when parents decide they should.
     Although communicating with our children has some built-in obstacles, there are some key things we can do to facilitate the process. One of them is to develop the ability to ask good questions. A few well-chosen words in the form of a great question could open a gateway to their hearts. Here are some suggestions from Beausay's book on how to make your questions "good" questions.
     First, avoid questions that only require one-word answers. For example, we often ask, "How was your day?" Answer, "Fine." We might open further conversation if we were to ask, "Tell me the best thing that happened at school today." We need to learn to formulate some basic questions that invite our children to respond more fully.
     Second, avoid, whenever possible, questions that tend to put your children on the defensive. This usually includes the dreaded and often used "why" question. "Why" questions usually imply faultfinding and lack of trust. Try using the phrase "Help me understand." This may get to the heart of the matter while not sounding as threatening. By using such a statement, it can help us glean new information before letting our children know how we feel about the situation.
     Third, in order to prime the conversation pump, make it a habit to ask questions about things of interest to them. This can include their favorite sports, school activities, and music and media. We need to learn to engage our children on issues other than those we have on our agenda. It speaks volumes about our interest in them and what they are dealing with.
     Fourth, since most of the results are going to depend on what we don't say, let us be very aware of how we are asking our questions. Our body posture and tone of voice always reveal to students what we are "really" asking. Making good eye contact and speaking gently can reap great answer rewards. How far we stand away from our child also tells them something about the importance of the question we are asking.
     Fifth, after asking a great question, give them time to answer. Often parents get less than satisfactory answers because we are too ready to cut them off and jump in with another question or an already prepared response. Our children will soon learn whether we are ready to listen or whether we carry a hidden agenda. Teach your children that their answers are always fully welcome.
     Last, learn how to reflect on their feelings. One of the skills all great listeners have is the ability to put themselves I n the other person's shoes. We need to empathize with them by trying harder to understand their thoughts and feelings. As parents, we can do this by trying to mirror their feelings by repeating them.
     Someone once said the only thing you have to do to entertain some people is to listen to them. Most students are yearning for parents who will pay attention to them. I really believe our kids want to talk; it's just a matter of how to go about it. Smart parents start when their children are young and keep working at it during adolescence - that time when young people are distancing themselves from their parents but still longing to have connections.      When talking with your children, don't assume you know and understand their feelings and issues. Their world is very different from the one we grew up in. They are happy to share it with us if we approach it with the right questions and an even better attitude.
In Christ,
Pastor Al