Pastor Al Paulauski, From Your Pal Al, Fair Haven Assembly of God Church

Pastor Al Paulauski

From Your Pal July 2005

Parenting with AWE Part I

     "What's your dysfunction?" That's the question that we have been addressing over the past number of weeks on Sunday mornings. It's with this in mind that I would like to address a far too common dysfunction. It's a parenting dysfunction called "shame-based parenting."
What is "shame-based parenting?" It's a parenting style that uses words and actions that cause children to think they aren't loved or valuable. It is performance oriented and approval focused. Often children from shame-based homes say that nothing was ever good enough for mom or dad. Parents with this parenting style say things like "Can't you do anything right? And "Just let me do it, so it gets done on time." Oh, these words can win you the battle, but they will cause you to lose the war.
     Tragically, "shame-based parenting" has been the most dominating style of parenting for the past several centuries. I know it didn't work in my home growing up and it hasn't worked for many families the past several centuries. However, for some reason we still use it and abuse it. This month I would like to introduce to you another parenting strategy that does work. It's called parenting with "AWE."
     What is parenting with "AWE?" AWE stands for "affirmation, warmth, and encouragement." Of course, this is easier said than done when we are in the midst of a battle and feel that we are loosing ground. It is very easy to revert to the old ways of shame-based parenting since many of its results are immediately evident, while the results of parenting with AWE often only come after a long period of investment.
      Many parenting experts talk about a child's emotional bank account. Using this analogy, shame-based parenting usually makes more withdrawals than deposits. Withdrawals are its focus! On the other hand, AWE based parenting concentrates on placing deposits into the emotional bank account. Here are a few examples of withdrawals and deposits.

Withdrawals:
1. Nagging
2. Making negative put-downs
3. Screaming
4. Never saying, "I'm sorry."
5. Heaping guilt on them.

Deposits:
1. Praising often
2. Forgiving them
3. Hugging them
4. Saying "I love you" to them every day.
5. Speaking with a tender tone of voice.

Parenting with AWE means parenting with affirmation, warmth, and encouragement. It doesn't mean we stop disciplining, but it does mean we try our best to stop shaming our children into making the right decisions. If all of us would only work as hard at creating a warm and loving environment of affection and affirmation in our family as we do at working in our vocation, we would have a better family atmosphere.
Next month, I will lay out these three components of affirmation, warmth, and encouragement. I will begin to describe for you how you might start applying these three things to your parenting style. Till then, would you take a few moments and ask God to reveal to you what your parenting style is?