Pastor Al Paulauski, From Your Pal Al, Fair Haven Assembly of God Church

Pastor Al Paulauski

From Your Pal November 2005

Is That My Child?

     "Where are my keys?" a teenager yells as they storm through the house. "They have got to be around here somewhere!" as he fling things across the living room looking for them. "They don't just walk away! Has anybody seen my keys?!"
     Have you ever experienced a similar situation like this in your own home? A situation where inwardly you cringe as you watch your child's performance and then you say, "They are acting just like me." Have you ever had your child try to capitalize on this concept of "acting just like mom or dad"? Maybe they want to claim heredity as their defense.
In all seriousness, these situations put us in a predicament. As we see a behavior in our children that needs to be corrected feelings of hypocrisy surface. We often wonder how to handle the situation - knowing full well we've modeled the behavior.
     We all know as Christian parents we are to "train our child up in the way he should go" and that we are to "not withhold discipline from a child". But the verse that is hard is Ephesians 6:4. We are told not to "…exasperate (our) children…" The question that then comes up is do I exasperate my children with the double standard of "it's okay for me, but not for you?"
     How do we respond as parents when our children imitate sinful behaviors they've seen in us? The other day I read an article, by Karen Morerod, in Christian Parenting Today and she suggests five strategies to use when we see our children living out our mess-ups. I want to share them with you.
     First, we must admit our own fault. James 5:16 says, "Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so you may be healed…" Confess to our children? Not all of our sins but certainly the ones that we both deal with. Try saying things like, "It's obvious that you've seen me slam doors, but that doesn't make it right." In doing this, our children can see that when it comes to sin, we're all on level ground with God. As we admit our own faults, we assure them that we regret our actions. Then we must remind our kids that they need to ask for forgiveness, just as we do.
     Second, we need to hold Jesus up as their example. If your children are like most they are very perceptive. When we set a bad example in anything, they pick up on it. We need to remind our children that although we try to imitate Christ's behavior, they should be looking to Jesus as their example - not us. This doesn't give us an "out" or an excuse to continue behaving badly, but rather points them toward the true standard to live by. It also humbly reminds us of whom we should be imitating.
     Third, we need to pray. There is so much to pray about in parenting. When our children remind us of our shortcomings, we should be reminded to pray for a change in our behavior. We often times feel some of the growing pains as God works on our sinful words and actions, but after, we emerge as better parents. We must often ask God to reveal things we are not even aware of that affect our parenting. And, of course, we should pray each day that our children would grow closer to God.
     Fourth, we need to depend on the Holy Spirit. One of our biggest challenges is letting the Holy Spirit work in our kids' lives. Even though we need to still guide and discipline, the Spirit should be active and alive in their hearts. As much as our children see us "fall short of the glory of God," and as much as we'd like to lecture our children about how they shouldn't imitate our wrong behavior, we know that a gentle, firm tug from God's Spirit can do much more than a "nagging" parent. This becomes even more vital as our children grow into adulthood.
     Finally, we need to live in the freedom that Jesus Christ gives. Since harsh words and impatient attitudes are frequent offenses in many of our families, it would be easy for us to live in guilt over the bad examples we've set. But we need to remember Romans 8:1 "Therefore there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus." We need to constantly remind ourselves that as a Christian, we do not stand condemned. We stand in grace and forgiveness because of what Jesus did on the cross. When we do this it brings freedom in two areas. It frees us from the guilt of our own sinful actions, and it frees us to confront our children confidently when they are unloving and impatient with each other.      When we view our family as sinners saved by grace and believers who live under grace, we can feel freedom in knowing we can confess our sin and receive forgiveness from each other and from God.
In Christ,
Pastor Al