Pastor Al Paulauski, From Your Pal Pastor Al, Fair Haven Assembly of God Church

Pastor Al Paulauski

From Your Pal February 2006

Growing Up & Clamming Up Too Soon

     Have you ever asked yourself the question, "Where has the time gone?" Especially when it relates to being a parent. If you're a normal parent you most assuredly have. However, today, more than ever, we are asking that question much earlier in life when it comes to our children. Today our children are forced to grow up faster than ever before. With that comes the need of parents who are in touch and working hard to keep the lines of communication open.
     Recently a new study by Philips Consumer Communications indicated that even though our culture forces kids to grow up too soon, parents are taking very little time to talk with their kids about the stuff that really matters in life. In their study their examined the communication patterns and content of middle schoolers (grades five to eight) and their parents. Here's some of what they found.
     Parents and middle schoolers don't spend enough time talking. 58% of parents and 73% of the kids said they spend less than one hour a day talking to each other.
     Parents don't know what's important to their kids. If parents aren't listening, they can't understand. That accounts for the difference in parents' perceptions of kids' priorities. Parents said the top ones are: 1) fun; 2) friends; and 3) looks. While these things are definitely important to kids, here's what the middle schoolers listed as their top priorities: 1) their future; 2) their schoolwork; and 3) family matters.
     Kids don't always find it easy to talk to mom and dad. 20% of kids say it's easy to talk to their parents about the things that really matter. 26% said it was "somewhat difficult" or "very difficult" to do so.
     Parents and middle schoolers both say they aren't allowed to explain themselves. Ever find yourself listening to what you think your teen is saying rather than what they're really trying to say? You're not alone. 57% of kids say their parents don't give them a chance to explain. 51% of parents felt the same way, saying their kids do the same.
Middle schoolers like the opposite sex. 62% of the kids said the opposite sex was an important issue. However, only 52% of parents thought their kids were interested in boy/girlfriends.
     Overcoming these communication barriers is an important key to leading our children from childhood into a spiritually and emotionally healthy adulthood. So how do you do it? Here are a few suggestions.
     Make time to communicate. Your kids want to talk. They need time and opportunity to talk. Make time for communication. Start with the simple things that are often forgotten, like eating meals together or talking while riding in the car.
     Listen to the little stuff. You may not think it's important to listen to what your kids have to say about school, friends, homework or what you consider "trivial" issues of early adolescent life. These things are important to your kids. If they know you aren't listening about the little stuff, they probably won't come to you about the big stuff.
     Listen between the lines. Sometimes they find it difficult to open up about the difficult issues they are facing. At other times, they may struggle to find the right words. At all times you must pay special attention to what they might be trying to say. Read their expressions. Listen to their emotions. Ask clarifying questions.
     Ask their opinion. Do you want to make your kids feel valued, special and important? Ask their opinion on a regular basis, and don't forget to listen as they share it! Ask about the important and the not-so-important issue - everything from school to friends to the job you're doing as a parent to politics, etc.
     Don't' interrupt. Give them time to explain their opinions, even if you think you know what's coming next. If you've been interrupted, you know how quickly communication can get cut off.