Pastor Al Paulauski, From Your Pal Pastor Al, Fair Haven Assembly of God Church

Pastor Al Paulauski

From Your Pal July 2006

"Understanding My Hurts"

      As we've approached the end of the graduation season, I couldn't help but think back to the time when I graduated high school. It was an exciting time for me because I was finally done. But it was relief for another reason as well. Even though I had a lot of fun during my teenage years I was glad that they were over. It had seemed as if I had faced one hurt after another when I was a teenager.
      If you're like me, you probably couldn't be paid enough to turn back the clock and live through your teenage years again. Even for the most fortunate teenager, it was still a difficult season of life. Teenagers deal with a lot of pain, stress and change in their lives and it's up to parents to acknowledge this reality. We must not ignore what our teens are experiencing. But how can we be helpful if we're not able to identify the signs that they are struggling.
     This past month I read an article that dealt with this very issue. It was about helping us (youth workers and parents) understand the hurts of teenagers. I want to share with you four of the tips I learned to help me discern what is going on in the life of a teenager.
      First, I need to become a student of the culture (who and what is influencing your teenager). In order to do this though, it's going to take your time, your energy, and your money. If we are going to help our teenager move through these years into adulthood successfully, we have to understand how our current culture is shaping their morals and values. For example, Robert Pittman's (one of the founders of MTV) desire was to not only reflect culture but also to shape it. He said, "Early on, we made a key decision that we would be the voice of young America. We were building more than just a channel; we were building a culture." Regretfully, I must say that MTV has been successful in its mission.
     Second, one of the greatest influences in your teen's life is their "Friendship Cluster." Parents are still a significant influence but the amount of influence we have fluctuates through the years. And their will come a time in their lives when their friends will become the most influential voice they hear. Most likely, your teenager will tend to hang out with a cluster of two or three of their best friends. The rules of friendship among teenagers operate in such a way that your kids will conform to the interest, behaviors and values of their closest friends. For example, parents who know their child hangs out with friends who use drugs, but believe their child doesn't use drugs are most likely parents in denial. Learning about a kid's closest friends means learning much about the kid himself.
      Third, your kids still want a relationship with you during their teenage years. Where else would they go when they need money?! Seriously, the older your kids get, the more they will move from dependence to a state of independence. Deep down inside, this is what we really want for our kids. After all, who wants the responsibility of parenting a thirty-five year old teenager? But teenagers still want their parent's presence in their lives. Remember that just because they may not say "I love you" as much as they used to, doesn't mean they don't love you anymore.
     Finally, God is still important to your teenager's life, even when they express doubts. Just because a teenager struggles with faith, expresses questions and doubts, or seems bored with church doesn't mean that they hate God. As teenagers progress they begin to think critically and a byproduct of it is them examining their faith from an adult-like perspective. This is healthy and an important part of becoming an adult. This is how they develop a mature faith that will carry them through their adult lives. As parents, we need to create the atmosphere in our homes where our kids can struggle with faith issues safely and with lots of love, acceptance, and guidance.