Pastor Al Paulauski, From Your Pal Pastor Al, Fair Haven Assembly of God Church

Pastor Al Paulauski

From Your Pal November 2006

Resolving Conflicts with your kids

     Do you ever argue with your kids about taking out the trash or cleaning up their room? Have you ever had a heated debate with your kids over why homework is important even if they are doing great on their test? Have you ever had your child run up to their room and slam the door because you wouldn't let them hang out with a certain friend because you didn't approve of them? I'm sure that many of you have and if you haven't you will soon.
     Conflict is something that all families face and all parents have to deal with. There are times when as parents we have to confront, discipline, and not be the most popular people in our kid's lives. Have you ever thought about conflict and its results? It can either be a path to communication blockage and unloving behavior or it can be a path to deeper communication, greater understanding, and loving behavior.
     Whenever there is conflict, the natural reaction for most parents and their children is to get defensive and closed in order to protect themselves. And it may seem on the outside to be the best way to handle conflict because it's easy. However there is a better way and it's to try our best to be non-defensive and open to learn. With this approach though, we must assume responsibility for our own feelings, behaviors, and consequences. Working through the conflict takes greater emotional involvement, but it is the loving way to care for ourselves as well as our children.
     Jim Burns, an expert on building better families, suggests four practical tips for parents to keep in mind while seeking to resolve conflicts with their kids.
     Do not nag. Sometimes we simply need self-control to keep our mouths quiet until we find a better and more effective way to share our concerns with our children. I don't think any kid has ever greatly benefited from Mom or Dad's nagging. Nagging is a lazy habit many of us learned from our own parents. However, there is a better way to address conflict.
     Choose your battles wisely. Some things are worth drawing a line in the sand over. Most things are not. One thing is certain, if you choose to battle over everything, even if you win - your home will end up being a miserable environment for everyone who lives there and conflict will be a constant theme.
     Show empathy. Many of us need improvement in the area of eye contact, tone of voice, and our body language. Often our body language tells our children more than our words about our intentions of resolving conflict. Listening is the language of love, and empathy is more valuable that you would ever imagine in keeping your kids' spirits from closing when resolving conflict. We must recognize that our kids have feelings.
     Do not discipline in anger. When a child's spirit is broken and closing, it is often because they feel attacked by their parents' anger. You can attack behaviors, but you should not attack the person. You will need to choose your words carefully, because they can either build up or destroy your children. Anger does not help in resolving conflict, but action, love, and consistency do.

November Highlights
1. Grocery store gift cards
Gift cards for Kroger and Farmer Jack will again be available for purchase on Sunday, Nov. 5th after service. By you participating in a program like this we can earn 5% of your purchases towards missions. Remember, it's free money. Please make sure (if you have a Kroger card) that you are recharging your card before your purchase. Fair Haven is also now enrolled in "Meijer Community Rewards." If you will simply sign up with Meijer for a "rewards card" (it's not a credit card) through us, they will give a percentage of your monthly spendings to us. So far you have helped us earn over $600 for missions this year. Come by the table and see us for details.
2. "Launch" a ministry to 6th-9th grade students
We will again be conducting special Sunday morning services for students in grades 6-9 in the gym during morning worship service @ 10 am. November's "Launch" service will be on the 26th. These services are designed to give some extra attention and space to Jr. High students while at the same time attempting to help them exercise their gifts in music, drama, and more. If you would like more information as to what "Launch" is please see Pastor Al.
3. Youth Convention: November 3rd-4th in Grand Rapids
For all of those who are going, here are a couple of reminders. First, we will be leaving Friday, Nov. 3rd @ 3 p.m. and stopping for dinner on the way to Grand Rapids. Second, the remaining balance of $25 and forms are due by Wednesday Nov. 1st. Finally, come prepared to have a great time and for God to speak into your life.
4. Fine Arts Festival
Yes, I know it's hard to believe, but it's time to start preparing for District Fine Arts Festival which will be taking place Fri-Sat., March 16th-17th. For this year's participant's we would like to do a lot more in helping prepare you for Fine Arts Festival. We will be having more allotted time for help in all areas of Fine Arts and enlisting other members of our church to assist in getting you ready. The first step in the process is a meeting on Sunday Nov. 5th @ 1 p.m. as we explain all that you will need to know for this year's Fine Arts Festival. Please come ready to share what you think you will be participating in this year so that we can make out a schedule to help you and/or your group. If you're not sure what areas there are for you to compete in please see Lana or Pastor Al. Following the meeting - from approximately 2-4 pm - there will be the first large group human video practice.